Meet Humbert.
Distinguished gentleman and husband;
Ivory walking sticks and top hats -
In his prime, he says.
Meet Mr. Jones.
Time for life insurance and anniversaries;
Maple canes and bowler hats -
A business man, they say.
Meet her Sweetheart.
Knocking on a bit, but keeping her company;
A gammy leg and flat cap -
An old man, she smiles.
Meet Humbert.
Sixty years young and in love;
Wrinkles, arthritis and aches -
But he'll be around for a bit yet.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm back. Right;
I rather enjoyed this poem. It was light and impulsive, and not intended to carry any deeper meaning than it appeared on the surface.
That said, I think this poem does represent something deeper. Perphaps it is representing how many sided people are. How we are not simply us. How we have many different sides, each seen by different people.
The you that your mother knows is not the you that we know. The you that your father knows is not the you that your mother knows. &c.
I love how you showed Humbert from different perspectives, showing that he's not just one sided.
The name Humbert to me seems rather odd. Perhaps you meant Hubert? I'm not sure, just a thought.
Other than that this was a well written, fun poem that I enjoyed.
Well done.
Keep writing;
~Kirsten
Hey there, Serendipity. xD
I shall read this poem as if you imply it for purposes of fun only, in which case this is a fine beginning, otherwise I'd probably object.This poem was an interesting one. I believe this to be a short, fun poem, written for no other purpose than for the fun of it? I love those type of poems, quite contrary to my other favourites, which are ones layered with depth and meaning, philosophy and thoughts. Anyway, enough of me, let us talk of you and your poem. Sorry if I accidentally miss out a letter or apostrophe, I spilt a glass of lemonade over my laptop and ever since the keys have been slightly unresponsive. xD
I like the imagery you are creating, of an elderly man, without being overly elaborate you are building us a picture of him, a rather pleasent one too.
I'm going to completely contradict Galerius here and demand that you do not change the initial Humbert to Mr Jones. In this stanza you talk of Humbert as a business man, a more formal man, and in the first you talk of him as the 'family guy', I would most certainly leave it as it is.
I'm going to disagree with Galerius again, I don't think you're trying to imply that life insurance and anniversaries are connected in any way. 'Tis merely a poem for fun, they are simply together for ease of formatting and structure. At no point do you claim they are connected.
See... I have to disagree with maple canes. In the previous stanza, when you talk of his being a family man and such he is using an ivory stick, but surely ivory is more posh than maple? At least more expensive. Ivory is, obviously, banned today, but still. Ivory would be much more expensive and posh looking than maple.
This stanza is rather confusing initially. I had to re-read it to make sense of it. I expected it to be meet his sweetheart, but you're talking of Humbert again, aren't you? You are taking yet another perspective on dear Humb
I found this poem most enjoyable. For a fun poem it was great. It possesses the quality of seeming to possess deeper meaning.
We meet Humbert from several different perspectives.
Hehe, my dad wants to ask me something, and my laptop has a habit of switching off if I leave it for five minutes, so I'll be back soon to review.
~Kirsten
After giving this poem one read-through, I might as well mention that since it seems like a short, spontaneous and light one, my comments should be taken as subjective since that is all I can critique for pieces such as this.
"Humbert" should be preceeded by a title, considering he is supposedly upright and gentlemanly and would probably want to be addressed by a "Mr." or "Sir" or "Dr.".
Your second line makes no sense. How are gentlemen and husbands mutually exclusive? Your use of "and" implies that.
Ah, so his name is Humbert Jones. Still, you should switch how you address him; I would suggest calling him "Mr. Jones" in the first stanza and "Humbert" in the second one, since the poem can begin with formality.
Once again, the second line makes assumptions that do not exist. You imply that with life insurance comes anniversaires, which is not true.
Why would he have more than one cane and hat? Even if that's true, it holds no bearing on what the reader should know about or should care about. Just leave it at "Maple cane and bowler hat".
Whose sweetheart? I'm assuming you refer to his wife, but if so, don't be subtle for no reason. Name her.
I cannot find anything objectively wrong with the last stanza, but that is because this poem seemed like one that was written on the spot and without a purpose in mind. If that was your intention, bravo. If you did mean it to have some kind of theme, then this poem does not make the cut, for it is simply a description of a man and nothing more.
Hope that helped.
Hello, nice to meet you Serendipity!
.Now, onto the poem.
This stanza didn't quite make sense. Maybe I'm reading it the wrong way, but it didn't.
Please explain.
Problem: You're not supposed to have to do that.
This poem was very simple and quick and I loved the lightness about it. There was no mention of broken dreams and wallowing in misery, thank God. I don't mind those poems but I've read enough of them right now.
It had a nice easy flow and good rhythm.
But I need to know more about each character and why I should care about each one of them. Please elaborate more than you did. Otherwise it just seems like an empty meaningless poem.
Otherwise, I think you did good. I like your writing style. Just keep in mind that more description in this short and sweet little poem would be very nice.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody